Sexcylces

Bicyles.






Sex.







Cycles.


I am experiencing a tremendous phenomenon and wonder if it is common. I look forward to finally obtaining a lasting relationship with a man, yet I have a roadblock. Or several. That seem to impede my brain's intrinsic optimism and throw me for a loop. This happens seasonally, cyclically, and invariably physically.

I have realized it is as easy as riding a bicycle to hop onto a love lost, a love unrequited, or in my most recent case, an illusion of love which moved across the country. I get blind sided, it strikes so quickly, and then BOOM, game on- riding high down familiar paths, full speed ahead, then just as quickly, it is gone. It is always the most beautiful unions that can erupt like a shooting star and then dissipate to near extinction. Yet these sparks never fully escape and will leave a glimmering sheen on my shelf, laced invisibly with kerosene, subtly anticipating a future ignition. But how, I ask, can it be SO good, and subsequently SO gone, in a mere instant? Why can't we just allow for fireworks?

I can count, numbers aside, and safely say that every manboy I have engaged in flirtation, attraction, "reconnection" or outright tryst within the past year, have ALL been recylced from my past. I know I find comfort in boys that know me well, and often when things don't work out, it can all too easily written off as a casualty of bad timing or insecurity on one or both ends. Most are not terribly special, but some are.

I have become a collector. I like to keep all flirtations and inclinations toward flirtations up on a shelf. It's hard for me to let them go, because at the end of the day, it is that comfort I want, that insight, and that emotional and physical navigational ability most newbies don't have. Each individual I have keep within me represents an element I hope to fulfil in the future. What I have come to realize is that it is time to replace the stagnated pieces with one whole unit. The future is now. I know some of these people or ideas of people don't actually comprise of material for a serious relationship and some have potential of being outright harmful-- either to me, or to the poor victim I save on this shelf to ultimately do nothing but lead on for my own personal gratification. But some are.

Can the cycle of recyling be broken? Should it? Maybe the strongest spark will survive the ride. Like stars in the sky, energy and matter exist long before the illusion of light is refracted against the atmosphere for all to see. The road is adventuresome and glorious, the flight can be wild and free, but fear will prevail when the light has yet to be seen.

Is it fair to resent the bicycle which hurls me into the rough when it is simultaneously the reason I have peaked the highest mountains?

The real question is, how does one know when to hop off the serially unserious ride of life comprised of feigned and failed courtship... to go tandem?

Comments welcome!

Senior Year-- Of Life.

Preface-- Okay, she's back. Not writing is almost as bad as not properly carbo-loading for a 20mile run. I've needed this and I'm going to try to give another go at the blogosphere, people!!

I'd been feeling anxious and wrote this as an attempt to propel myself into SORTING IT OUT.

...miraculously, but one week later, my world all changed. I then knew, IAMAPOPSTAR is back and in it to WIN it. Boom.

It’s senior year.

Of life.

Postgraduate life.

Post undergraduate life.

It seems only natural to quantify my life in four year increments, since for the past 12 years of my 26, society has made it quite clear that that is how life works. Highschool, college, real world! Some may chose graduate school fresh out the gates, others move to great cities and find their place in the business world, or travel, or whatnot. I’ve taken my chances in NYC and here’s what I’ve learned: I love this town. It’s everything. It’s gorgeous. And here’s why:

I still refer back to my first year in NYC as Freshman year, of life. And now, as summer is imminent, and will mark my four year anniversary of living in this fine town, I’ve reached a new phase of life. Time to turn another leaf and use what “real-world” skills I have acquired and amass them into a tangible showpiece of my being. Graduation is not a concept anymore. I do however feel it’s time for another commencement address as I saunter onward into the future. I feel it’s time to renew my vows toward the commitment I have given to this town, to furthering my personal development, to recognizing that I have in fact, achieved.

I’ve spent some time thinking about people and ideas that were prevalent four years ago. I possessed many swirling ambitions, laced with insecurities and wrought with unknowns as to what my future would hold. As I sit back and recollect these concepts, I realize that what has allowed me to strengthen throughout all of this, are several elements which have remained constant. Seasons, for one, have always remained and perpetually served as a natural catalyst for achievement. Abstract as it sounds, without the seasons, there would be no current pushing me onward to reach toward personal and professional development. This current is nature’s way of eliminating stagnancy. Seasons have taught me that the world is designed to push humans forward, yet you must adhere to the flow of their direction to enable a profound affect.

I have always believed, since first living away from home in college, you never truly know a town or city until you live through all seasonal changes. When you see the leaves fall. When days shorten. The first snowfall. And what never fails to feel miraculous, the day you can finally hang up your winter coat for a few months and feel warmth. Fall tends to onset at precisely the right time to provide a cooling sensation upon activated heat acquired from clamorous pavement treks about town. It’s a deliberate choice to decide to repeat this cycle—And that’s how I know, four years later, it is fact gorgeous here, it is everything, and it is in fact my love.** (**one week later, IAMAPOPSTAR receives amazing new job offer. Fact. ACTUAL Commencement address to follow!)

Womenonics

This image brought to you in honor of the release of the Beaujolais Nuevo 2009, that apparently HAS NOT hit Murray Hill yet. SHAMEFUL! Taken by yours truly, circa 2005.


I sometimes feel frustrated by the fact that my career trajectory is not mapped out the way many people who work in finance's careers are. It's fairly clear cut and known that if you are in the right bank, are bright, and do well, your title and position and income are practically predetermined along a course of a set amount of years. Unless it's a recession and you get laid off, of course. I've been conversing with friends lately on this matter and it's a challenge to find a path that is both rewarding and financially lucrative. It is also a challenge for me to work for an institution in a corporate environment to which I feel hardly any loyalty to and NO connection to it's cause. It's merely a vehicle to get me from A to B. B is unknown. B-school perhaps? I was amused by this quotation I came across while recently perusing business school options (as well as law school, and culinary school, and design school... the list goes on, yet has thus far been trumped by the school of NYC/Life which is doing the trick for now) since I've trying to hone my entrepreneurial nature/perpetuate my recent serge of inspiration to create:

"Investment banking, like rock stardom, is not for the faint of heart, as the profession demands long hours, working weekends and an often stressful, competitive environment."

This is a simple statement but I found it striking because it's funny to compare ibanking with rockstardom (or popstardom). I also found it comical when I came across the book, "Damn it Feels Good to be a Banker" downstairs in my building's laundry room over the summer on the day I ended a dating stint with a gent who fit the stereotypes of that masterpiece to a tee. It was the world's way of telling me to take a look at what I had been dealing with and to realize that I'd rather coexist with someone who sees colors and is dynamic and has the confidence to live outside of a stereotypical existence (I mean no disrespect to those exceptions to these stereotypes!). Someone who sees the forest beyond the green. There is some very insightful, albeit ludicrous, narrative in this book and I recommend it to anyone who has ever ACTUALLY woken up to Notorious B.I.G.'s smash hit, Juicy. Because I have. And now, among other things, I know why.

The main inspiration for this post however, is not the aforementioned juvenile description of the fabulocity of banking and finance culture found in Damn, it is this article I read this morning on CNN.com: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/10/25/intl.women.global.economy/index.html

This article highlights the fact that banks are not geared toward needs of women, yet women are statistically the largest growing force in the global economy today. Since my income leaves a lot to be desired, (1. I am not a banker, and 2. I am not a pop-star, so I can't independently provide capital to start a business. I have an entrepreneurial spirit and I want to create something that makes a difference) I need help and guidance and this quotation is important:

"The trouble for women -- be they working women seeking small loans or entrepreneurs trying to attract venture capital -- is a problem of access and information, said Teri Cavanaugh, head of strategy for the Global Banking Alliance for Women. Men in business have mentors; women don't...Women really want to have relationships with their bank, information and advice ... but banks are not geared that way."

I think this is a real problem. I am a believer in mentorship and would like to have more of it. I had a mentor at work, who was recently laid off after 25years in the recruiting business. She was also an extremely loving and devoted wife and mother who balanced her professional and personal life with grace and poise. The seizure of her post happened under curious conditions beyond the recession based lack of production. It has been sad for me, yet is one more bullet point on my list of why it is time for personal change and a more prosperous path. I admire women who have it all: Career success, beautiful families, vivacious personalities and lust for life. My mentor has these things. I have been lucky to meet many women in New York and at my company who appear to have these things too, not to mention a shared love for this incredible town. The greatest city on Earth. I know I will have these things in time, too. As my father has always told me, patience is often rewarded.

This is a great Op-Ed too, published a few days ago: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/24/opinion/24lipman.html?em=&adxnnl=1&pagewanted=2&adxnnlx=1256587279-/ska9wtV1owVFah4w88LxA

It brings to light mainly the fact that many women do not define themselves solely by their careers. I mean, point in case: you're reading that fact. This article focuses on changing the conversation about women so that progress can continue in the right direction. I like the usage of the word "conversation", as that is the purpose of my writing. Sharing a little something to think about, and talk about. Thinking and talking and conversating will spawn the moving and the shaking.

And in the meantime, Ms. Dowd reminds us:
1. Have a sense of humor

2. Don't be afraid to be a girl

3. Martha Stewart sent Christmas cards from prison- love that woman. (what up, Char!)

Music is my Hot Hot Sex

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/18/magazine/18Pandora-t.html?pagewanted=1&em

I was compelled by how this article seemed to read itself. It said things in a particular paragraph that verbalized what I had been thinking 2 paragraphs prior. It knew! Point being, I have an appreciation for Pandora as it truly helps me get through the work day. The article even addresses how the genome project has become far more refined in it's functionality over time. I think it is a completely fascinating experiment. I actually fell out of like with Pandora for months because I got bored with certain stations quickly when I first began using the service due to repetitive choices of songs I didn't like all that much nor had I deemed appropriate fits for the genre. It HAS improved. And I've learned to challenge it a bit to acquire more stimulating results:

I have a Slick Rick vs. Chromeo station reserved for Friday afternoons. That is when the hangover has subsided and it's time to re-enter weekend mode. No one is around... decibel level slowly creeps up...

Friday morning hangover selection of choice? Billie Holiday. Neat.

Her vocals and the likes of jazz greats just sort it out for me. I'm no connoisseur, I just know I like it. This is the battle of taste. I find music to be a lot like wine. You can analyze it, judge it, scrutinize it to the point of it not even being enjoyable if you see fit. I can also accept that I don't know ALL that I like, and the most titillating thing in life is just trusting that you will find more things to fall into.

My theory? If you like it, drink it. Taste is personal. Own it. All you have is what you feel, some may be better at articulating, but it doesn't make their feelings any more or less real than yours. If you can't discern that the reason for that buttery taste is the malolactic fermentation, it doesn't mean I won't down the Chardonnay with you.

Sidebar- Happiness is wine tasting in Italy, France or wherever, and whatever the heck they are saying in mellifluous Italian/French tones is most likely RIGHT. I might just spit a direct quotation back to friends at a dinner party, too. I might even be obnoxious about it. But hold the spittoon, please.


Conflict:
1- An algorithm for taste seems dubious. It seems as absurd as mathemetizing whether you prefer basil to oregano. Preposterous.

Why it works? It provides a platform for new knowledge and exposure less constricted to pop-cultural judgement. I mean, just read the article.

I used to be nervous to listen to music at work.
The article also addresses the fact that people can be very insecure about their tastes. Even me!It's actually amazing how true this is. I have spent my life honing mine, most often without even realizing all I have taken in, and am fortunate and lucky and eternally grateful to my parents having raised me in an environment where I have been exposed to many different cultures. Paul Simon's album Graceland is not in my Top 10 because he's fantastic, but partially because in 7th grade at Shady Hill (woot, woot, progressive Ed) during our central subject year of Africa I had the delight of seeing Ladysmith Black Mombazzo perform at Mem. Hall @ Harvard and was like, that's DOPE! They were in those LifeSavers ads... yum.

Music has always been a part of my life, and I've always admired friends who have made suggestions and recommendations that are now iPod go-tos. For a long time I wondered how people just magically figured out taste, then one day I woke up and realized, I actually have it too! It's a matter of communicating and sharing, and trusting. It can even be risky. I have some friends that have taught me a lot and always shout a quality recommendation, be it the height of pop-trash(LMFAO=NOT GUILTY PLEASURE!), or something genuinely sophisticated, music IS inherently social. Sharing it is fun, and like many personal things is often worth the risk. I've feared emotional risk/judgement in many ways and recently have realized it's utterly pointless. Like Canada (How I Met your Mother, anyone?!). JOKES. Music is emotive and punctuates life.

I just realized I don't even have a Top 10 Album list... Never even thought of writing one out until now! If I were it might include the following in no particular order:

The Bends- Radiohead
Graceland- Paul Simon
100 Days, 100 Nights- Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings
Frank- Amy Winehouse

Not sure what my favorite Rap album of all time is... but at least 2 of my 10 will be rap. No doubt.

In terms of albums directly loved through familial associations, Dad takes the cake:

Dad is responsible for my affinity for Classic Rock, ie: the Classic Queen album (the unfailing family road trip to Maine soundtrack), anything by U2, Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd (My Dad bought me the re-released edition of Pulse while I was in middle school, this edition had a pulsing red light on the binding, it was some way for him to teach me about the world, I suppose. Combined with sister's entry into high school and the onset of nuevo-hippie-ism in New England prep-school world, life became a lot more colorful and so did the influence of music. American Beauty by The Grateful Dead might be on my list too, now that I think about it.) and lastly but not least the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. My dad has not been nicknamed "Random Man" on accident. I am certainly a proud student of his teachings, but it will always be embarrassing when his tone-deaf larynx produces oscillations he believes is an actual song. He has been known to spontaneously and uninhibitedly croon, "More than a Woman" by the Bee Gees to my Mom in front of company, on a busy city street, even while stuck in traffic with no escape in sight. This unfailingly results in Mom's utter dismay and disgust. Did I mention their 36th wedding anniversary just passed? That's love I guess! Insert "happy" emoticon, here! :)

My parents always told me that if I had put as much focus into my school work as I did in song lyrics I'd be president by now. Oh please, poli-sci major my a$$. I don't want to be President, anyway! But thank you Matty in the Morning from Kiss 108FM (that's Boston, folks), for narrating my car rides to elementary school along Memorial Drive to Cambridge and exposing me to all the buoyant, jovial tones of the 90s and enabling the memorization of all the pop-song lyrics that will forever remain in my long term memory purely for the entertainment of my peers at social functions. Seriously, maybe I really should have been a pop-star...

Oh, and to whomever may have picked up on my title reference, it was to touch upon the fact that another career avenue I think I would pursue if given the right connexxx would be -and I know this might be known to some- to become an iPod commercial silhouette dancer circa Macworld 2007. It's like being an anonymous pop-star. Brilliant.

My Life as a Geisha

I recently read a fascinating article about Geisha culture in Japan found in Conde Nast (RIP Gourmet) Traveller:
http://www.concierge.com/cntraveler/articles/501593
(Thanks, Jo!)

Stephanie Birkitt reminds me of a Geisha. I mean this figuratively. She clearly possesed some alluring characteristics, and subtly moved toward professional freedom. Maybe now she is looked down upon, but she obtained a cameo role and excessive other perks on the set of an extremely popular Late Show by using covert sexual methodology! Much like a Geisha, Stephanie may be viewed in a negative light, but she clearly was a lot brighter than many may give her credit for. As described in the article, Shoba Narayan writes:

"The geisha's karyukai, or "flower and willow world," is both exacting and secret—one that prizes discretion (geisha rarely marry and if they do, they retire and never reveal the father of their child or children), yet is open to misinterpretation... Today's geisha go to great lengths to explain that they are sophisticated entertainers, not prostitutes. They may hint at their sexuality using double entendres and sexual jokes delivered with the most innocent of faces; they may draw out a man's sorrows by listening to him sympathetically and pouring more sake; but they certainly do not sleep around. Rather, they occupy a rarefied realm in which women are both divas and directors."

Unfortunately, through the nature of scandal, the exposure of Steph's behavior may be detrimental to her future career undertakings, and who knows where Dave's ratings will fall this season, but she certainly is not as naive as she looks and in fact must have had a good deal of control over the situation. Stephanie is a like a Geishe-esque Diva and a Director. Perhaps she is better suited for Kyoto!

I don't condone this behavior nor am I promoting it, I just am drawing a connection between the Feminine Mystique and Feminine Allure, both of which must be juxtaposed in this day and age in order to leverage professional success. This is just shedding light on the battle women face today to balance sexuality, submission and aggression to achieve success, and highlighting that it is a battle going since the beginning of time. I know I am leaving out elements of actual qualifications and measures of legitimate intelligence, but it's more fun to analyze the good stuff.

Rhetorical Question of the Moment

Before delving into my next topic, I want to introduce a new feature!

The Rhetorical Question of the Moment!

Today's RQM is brought to us by a dear friend, known as The Shack, sent to me in bold face XL Font on a gmail correspondence this morning:

Q: Do you think that guys on Dancing with the Stars sometimes Jizz in their Pants?

A:?!

I am a pop-star!

I’ve been told by many friends I should start “blogging”. My response is usually something along the lines of, “That’s ridiculous, who gives a flying F about my mundane existence?” followed by, “Well, you make a good point because I am entertaining. And my life is not mundane or boring at all.”

So here goes...

I recently turned 25 and I’m an attractive young woman. I have a lot of self-confidence and I live in Manhattan. I’m sure I could have been an A-List pop-star had I been abused by my parents and forced into the entertainment industry which would have been an arduous journey wrought with disappointment for most years of my early life. This is not open for debate, coulda, shoulda, woulda. Could it be possible that I am resentful of being raised by the utmost of selfless and loving parents? Who have lived with my best interest perpetually being placed before their own? A man and a woman who devoted their entire married lives (37 years this week!) to ensuring that my older sister and I would be granted opportunities they never would have dreamed of growing up? 18 years of private schooling, adventures in Europe… My parents are a pair of diligent, intelligent, motivated, hardworking individuals who came together as a unit to prepare their children to take on anything they set their minds to. They tell me they love me every single day. I have been raised with the notion that anything is possible. Can I blame my parents for my apathetic state of confusion? Nahh.

I keep being told by mentor-types and elders that I need to find my focus. One of my least favorite questions in the world is, “What do you like to do?”. It's right up there with the anxiety producing, "Where do you want to go to college?" or "What do you want to do with your life?" I’ll get defensive and say stupid things that don’t answer this seemingly simple question.

Things I like to do:

I like to travel
I like to cook
I like to run
I like to listen to music
I like to go out
I like to read Op-Eds

See? That wasn’t so hard!

This blog is a social commentary on these items viewed through the lense of my 25 year old Bostonian gone "New Yorker" self trying to sort out my existence by way of sharing things I enjoy and discovering new interests along the way. I need to sort it out because the truth of the matter is that I am not a pop-star. My life and career paths are unknown! I find excitement in this fact because I believe the unknown must not be feared! It must be embraced for it to ultimately be defined.

As far as Op-Ed’s go, this morning I read an article in lieu of the David Letterman scandal. The inherent nature of a “scandal” implies that whatever illicit affair or action took place ultimately comes to a public fore and it is “exposed”. A scandal is not a scandal if it is kept secret. I wrote my Poli Sci thesis on the Clinton scandal. I am fascinated by scandal. I believe it's potential lies beneath nearly every success story! I found this article particularly interesting because it addresses how young women can be viewed by their higher-ups of the male variety, often as subordinates expected to be devoted to the ego-maniacal causes of male executives.

“For some men, it’s the very inequality of the relationship that’s alluring, the way these women revolve around them and make life easier, the way they treat Himself like the sunrise and sunset of their universe.” Maureen Dowd

This is so antiquated! Yet it remains a pervasive norm that women like myself including many of my peers and friends are exposed to. Trying to climb the coporate ladder is impossible without clear goals, and trying to create goals ain't an easy thing for me. Please don’t confuse me with a raging feminist, but I just can’t help but go a little Betty Friedan once in a while. The Feminine Mystique was stimulating and all but I’m only commenting on all of this because I’m just TRYING to figure out if I should try to sleep with my boss or not! My lack of professional stimulation mind you, is why I am writing this to begin with. Should I just embrace?? Haha... I'd post a photo of him for a good laugh, but then my blog would surely be fodder for scandal potential and I'm really not interested in that sort of attention. GROSS.

Another notable quotation from this article which raises a topic I personally analyze frequently is this:

“In terms of evolutionary biology, it could be rooted in the fear that aggressive females would be more likely to cheat and the males could end up raising offspring that were not their own.” –Maureen Dowd

This is funny. I mean, I am aggressive sometimes, but mainly in context of negligent restaurant staff or Time Warner Cable phone representatives. However, based on certain antics of mine, I truly wonder if anyone has ever thought this about me… Nahh. Yet it is amazing that women who don't adhere to subordinate corporate "norms" can be negatively stigmatized, and women who do conform, or those who chose to use their bodies as a means to an end are also negativey stigmatized! It's a Catch 22 cubed!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/07/opinion/07dowd.html?hpw


…MOVING on.