Sexcylces

Bicyles.






Sex.







Cycles.


I am experiencing a tremendous phenomenon and wonder if it is common. I look forward to finally obtaining a lasting relationship with a man, yet I have a roadblock. Or several. That seem to impede my brain's intrinsic optimism and throw me for a loop. This happens seasonally, cyclically, and invariably physically.

I have realized it is as easy as riding a bicycle to hop onto a love lost, a love unrequited, or in my most recent case, an illusion of love which moved across the country. I get blind sided, it strikes so quickly, and then BOOM, game on- riding high down familiar paths, full speed ahead, then just as quickly, it is gone. It is always the most beautiful unions that can erupt like a shooting star and then dissipate to near extinction. Yet these sparks never fully escape and will leave a glimmering sheen on my shelf, laced invisibly with kerosene, subtly anticipating a future ignition. But how, I ask, can it be SO good, and subsequently SO gone, in a mere instant? Why can't we just allow for fireworks?

I can count, numbers aside, and safely say that every manboy I have engaged in flirtation, attraction, "reconnection" or outright tryst within the past year, have ALL been recylced from my past. I know I find comfort in boys that know me well, and often when things don't work out, it can all too easily written off as a casualty of bad timing or insecurity on one or both ends. Most are not terribly special, but some are.

I have become a collector. I like to keep all flirtations and inclinations toward flirtations up on a shelf. It's hard for me to let them go, because at the end of the day, it is that comfort I want, that insight, and that emotional and physical navigational ability most newbies don't have. Each individual I have keep within me represents an element I hope to fulfil in the future. What I have come to realize is that it is time to replace the stagnated pieces with one whole unit. The future is now. I know some of these people or ideas of people don't actually comprise of material for a serious relationship and some have potential of being outright harmful-- either to me, or to the poor victim I save on this shelf to ultimately do nothing but lead on for my own personal gratification. But some are.

Can the cycle of recyling be broken? Should it? Maybe the strongest spark will survive the ride. Like stars in the sky, energy and matter exist long before the illusion of light is refracted against the atmosphere for all to see. The road is adventuresome and glorious, the flight can be wild and free, but fear will prevail when the light has yet to be seen.

Is it fair to resent the bicycle which hurls me into the rough when it is simultaneously the reason I have peaked the highest mountains?

The real question is, how does one know when to hop off the serially unserious ride of life comprised of feigned and failed courtship... to go tandem?

Comments welcome!

Senior Year-- Of Life.

Preface-- Okay, she's back. Not writing is almost as bad as not properly carbo-loading for a 20mile run. I've needed this and I'm going to try to give another go at the blogosphere, people!!

I'd been feeling anxious and wrote this as an attempt to propel myself into SORTING IT OUT.

...miraculously, but one week later, my world all changed. I then knew, IAMAPOPSTAR is back and in it to WIN it. Boom.

It’s senior year.

Of life.

Postgraduate life.

Post undergraduate life.

It seems only natural to quantify my life in four year increments, since for the past 12 years of my 26, society has made it quite clear that that is how life works. Highschool, college, real world! Some may chose graduate school fresh out the gates, others move to great cities and find their place in the business world, or travel, or whatnot. I’ve taken my chances in NYC and here’s what I’ve learned: I love this town. It’s everything. It’s gorgeous. And here’s why:

I still refer back to my first year in NYC as Freshman year, of life. And now, as summer is imminent, and will mark my four year anniversary of living in this fine town, I’ve reached a new phase of life. Time to turn another leaf and use what “real-world” skills I have acquired and amass them into a tangible showpiece of my being. Graduation is not a concept anymore. I do however feel it’s time for another commencement address as I saunter onward into the future. I feel it’s time to renew my vows toward the commitment I have given to this town, to furthering my personal development, to recognizing that I have in fact, achieved.

I’ve spent some time thinking about people and ideas that were prevalent four years ago. I possessed many swirling ambitions, laced with insecurities and wrought with unknowns as to what my future would hold. As I sit back and recollect these concepts, I realize that what has allowed me to strengthen throughout all of this, are several elements which have remained constant. Seasons, for one, have always remained and perpetually served as a natural catalyst for achievement. Abstract as it sounds, without the seasons, there would be no current pushing me onward to reach toward personal and professional development. This current is nature’s way of eliminating stagnancy. Seasons have taught me that the world is designed to push humans forward, yet you must adhere to the flow of their direction to enable a profound affect.

I have always believed, since first living away from home in college, you never truly know a town or city until you live through all seasonal changes. When you see the leaves fall. When days shorten. The first snowfall. And what never fails to feel miraculous, the day you can finally hang up your winter coat for a few months and feel warmth. Fall tends to onset at precisely the right time to provide a cooling sensation upon activated heat acquired from clamorous pavement treks about town. It’s a deliberate choice to decide to repeat this cycle—And that’s how I know, four years later, it is fact gorgeous here, it is everything, and it is in fact my love.** (**one week later, IAMAPOPSTAR receives amazing new job offer. Fact. ACTUAL Commencement address to follow!)