Bicyles.Sex.
Cycles.
I am experiencing a tremendous phenomenon and wonder if it is common. I look forward to finally obtaining a lasting relationship with a man, yet I have a roadblock. Or several. That seem to impede my brain's intrinsic optimism and throw me for a loop. This happens seasonally, cyclically, and invariably physically.
I have realized it is as easy as riding a bicycle to hop onto a love lost, a love unrequited, or in my most recent case, an illusion of love which moved across the country. I get blind sided, it strikes so quickly, and then BOOM, game on- riding high down familiar paths, full speed ahead, then just as quickly, it is gone. It is always the most beautiful unions that can erupt like a shooting star and then dissipate to near extinction. Yet these sparks never fully escape and will leave a glimmering sheen on my shelf, laced invisibly with kerosene, subtly anticipating a future ignition. But how, I ask, can it be SO good, and subsequently SO gone, in a mere instant? Why can't we just allow for fireworks?
I can count, numbers aside, and safely say that every manboy I have engaged in flirtation, attraction, "reconnection" or outright tryst within the past year, have ALL been recylced from my past. I know I find comfort in boys that know me well, and often when things don't work out, it can all too easily written off as a casualty of bad timing or insecurity on one or both ends. Most are not terribly special, but some are.
I have become a collector. I like to keep all flirtations and inclinations toward flirtations up on a shelf. It's hard for me to let them go, because at the end of the day, it is that comfort I want, that insight, and that emotional and physical navigational ability most newbies don't have. Each individual I have keep within me represents an element I hope to fulfil in the future. What I have come to realize is that it is time to replace the stagnated pieces with one whole unit. The future is now. I know some of these people or ideas of people don't actually comprise of material for a serious relationship and some have potential of being outright harmful-- either to me, or to the poor victim I save on this shelf to ultimately do nothing but lead on for my own personal gratification. But some are.
Can the cycle of recyling be broken? Should it? Maybe the strongest spark will survive the ride. Like stars in the sky, energy and matter exist long before the illusion of light is refracted against the atmosphere for all to see. The road is adventuresome and glorious, the flight can be wild and free, but fear will prevail when the light has yet to be seen.
Is it fair to resent the bicycle which hurls me into the rough when it is simultaneously the reason I have peaked the highest mountains?
The real question is, how does one know when to hop off the serially unserious ride of life comprised of feigned and failed courtship... to go tandem?
Comments welcome!
